So its Sunday today, I love Sundays to me its THE family day of the week. I spent lots of today trying to clean it is hard with my back especially in the cold because my back does get to the point where just standing up hurts 😦 I really hope that changes with the weight loss that IS coming. I am one of those crazy people that LOVE cleaning! Yep I love all of it the washing up the ironing (me and my hubby get into disagreements about who will win the battle to wash up LOL) The only thing I dislike is folding and putting away clothes yuck!
I decided to make a new video today, I have wondered how I will feel if my video somehow reaches some one I know because its all well and good thinking I am talking to me or people that are on the plan or thinking of the plan too, do you know what I honestly don’t care anymore! I have got to a point where I am tired of hiding because that is what I do.I avoid social situations like the plague, I am the friend that says “I will try and make it” but I never do something always comes up. I never used to be like that, in fact I was the social butterfly I was the center of attention and had the biggest mouth ever, now I try and blend in. If I am completely honest I go as far as I don’t want to see my kids friends parents, I don’t even want to see the mail man, I try and arrange things to happen (like kid collections/drop offs) when my husband is here.
This problem has been with me for years, even when I wasn’t as big, I would deliberately start an argument just so that I could do the old “I am not going anywhere” line, I did this a lot and it caused our relationship to fail. Thankfully we are still here and together and have been for 14 years now (he is my rock) I don’t work out of the house now but that is because of my back and the other issues I have medically. I used to have LOTS of friends and I still do but those friends have become facebook friends, you know the ones every now and then you like a picture or catch a status update and comment on, but making REAL LIFE dates it doesn’t happen. There are only a handful of people I am comfortable around, I have been trying to work out why I am like this now and the only things I can think of is 1. I feel ginormous and don’t want to be seen (My hubby and I and the the kids volunteered Christmas day to feed local people that would have other wise been alone) I did it because I have wanted to do something like this for years with the kids so that they see how lucky we are and that Christmas isn’t just about gifts, however a few days before I started thinking of ways to get out of it but I made myself go. I got dressed looked in the mirror (I am sure all mirrors are magic) and in the mirror I thought I looked OK, however when I was sent a few pictures yesterday I stick out like a giant bloody grape! Have a look, its easy you will see me…..on the day I was uncomfortable because the tables were super close together and it was our job to serve and clear plates I couldn’t get around the tables and was bumping into people. The second reason that comes straight to my mind about going out and socializing that I dread is the uncomfortable silences I hate them and feel like its my responsibility to talk and then in my head I sit thinking “shut up just shut up, they don’t want to just hear you blabbing” but I just cant bear the silence’s they feel awful. My worst nightmare has come true a few times but the time that springs to mind is I was working at a bank and was sent to go to Southampton for a week and we had to share rooms and share cars, I was stuck in a car for 6 hours with a women I didn’t know and then all week stuck it was awful! I am even like it if I know the person, I was a manager at a company I previously at and at work I was fine, I was loud and “bubbly” I hate that word FYI My mother used it all the time….(Ill get to that next) but there was no problems I got on great with my team and I did go out a few times to the pub as a group to reward their hard work, we would talk about work and then after a while the drinks have been flowing so I was fine! Now the third reason I believe is where the whole thing stems from…My Mother! I don’t have a relationship with her for very good reason lets just say that she treated me and my sisters very badly as children and then she put my children knowingly in a dangerous situation because she was thinking of herself only (and always has done) she was ALWAYS loud and obnoxious I recall sitting in Drs reception areas where staff are a few foot away and after being there for a few minutes she would start F-ing and blinding about how long we have been waiting, she would start randomly talking to people very loudly and I would want the floor to open up and swallow me whole. She always had to be the loudest person in any situation and would make an absolute twat of her self i.e at my sisters wedding she decided to take the balloons down and start trying to wear them (imagine a rubber ring for the pool, that’s what the balloons were like) running around the dance floor, I wasnt at the wedding (I lived in New York at the time) but watching the video was enough to make me cringe. Have you ever watched something on the TV and someone says something so bad that it makes you cringe, you know the hide behind a cushion moment? Imagine that but worse 24/7 it was awful. So now I just want to blend in! This weight doesn’t help me blend in I stand out like a sore thumb and I know I do and I hate that.
Phew that was a long rant, so there you go there is another part of my puzzle, there are so many pieces to fit together to complete the puzzle but I am determined to make that puzzle whole x
Have a great week all xx